Sam Smith- Stay With Me
I am uncomfortable. I am uncomfortable in my skin, my bones. I am uncomfortable in my hardware, my software, my compatibility. I am uncomfortable in my body, in my flesh, in this city. I don’t fit. My blood spills out, my bones crook at too-odd angles, nothing fits in this skin. I work too hard, and I miss too much. I miss fitting in and feeling just right. I miss being home, and feeling home. I thought this would be easier, but I can’t shake the feeling that I’m living for someone else. Is this what I want? Do I know what I want? What am I doing? I don’t know. But it’s making me uncomfortable.
My sister bought me my first alex and ani bracelet when I graduated high school in 2010 and since then, I’ve always carried resilience around with me on my wrist. I’ve accumulated a few more in the past four years, most of them gifts. The path of life from amanda, a pineapple and the carnival wrap from Kristy and Nina, the puzzle piece again, from my sister, and the “make your mark on the world” from my roommate’s mom for graduation. Each a reflection of the things people have seen in me that they love and appreciate. I bought one for myself, the earth wrap, as a reminder to keep to my roots and stay grounded. They mean a lot to me, always have, and the day before I left newark (as a college graduate), I bought one more bracelet. I didn’t have anything in mind when I walked in, but when I saw the phoenix, I just sort of knew.
I think about the person I was when I first came to college and it makes it kind of incredible to look at the person that walked out. I was so sick, all my scars were still very visible but I watched myself grow day by day. Through four years, I learned so much. I made friends that I’ll have for the rest of my life. And now I know that just because you love someone doesn’t mean it always works out. I know now that your soulmate doesn’t have to be a boy, it’s someone that loves you and understands you, feels your heart beat in their chest, and you know that that friend will be there forever, no matter the distance. People can become your flesh and blood, and holy shit, that’s important. It’s important to keep in touch, and be available to the people that need you. I feel so comfortable in my skin now, and that’s important too. Because for a year and a half, I knew how it felt not to. I knew what the worst rock bottom felt like. I learned depression and hopelessness. I struggled so much. But I also learned talking and therapy and I learned to feel my feelings.
I’ve made peace with so many things. I have grown so much, been through so much, burned a million times over and risen ten fold. I am proud of myself, my accomplishments, my family and friends, I know that I can endure. I know they’re just bracelets, but I hold the things they represent very close, just as I hold my memories, my friends, and the past four years very close. I came to college sick, I struggled with depression, my health, who I was, and what I wanted. I graduate with a sturdy mind and a healthy heart, a wonderful job and beautiful relationships, a phoenix.
Sew My Mouth Shut - The Flatliners