My family isn’t a talking family. My mom was never my best friend, my dad never told me he loved me when he hung up the phone. I am a first generation American with born-and-raised Jamaican immigrant parents. It always seemed and felt normal. It never seemed like an injustice until I realized how it affected me in the future. Being an emotional person with parents that never supported your intellect or your talents was damaging, it hurt. It hurt to be asked where the 3 points went when I got a 97 on a test. It hurt to have to get a ride from a friend to school concerts. It was a learned behavior to take care of yourself, support yourself, find happiness in yourself, to take pride in yourself. But then things happen that unhinge you and its hard to talk about feelings when you need to. It’s hard to feel your feelings when you need to. It’s hard to be honest with yourself. It makes it hard to move forward. It makes it hard to get things out when you’re heavy.
I’ve been crying all the time because of all the years I’ve held it in. I’ve dug it all up and I got it all out and it hurts to not say things now. My heart is not broken and I am not crushed. I have fallen so completely out of love with myself that I am unrecognizable. Every day I look in the mirror, my reflection turns me to stone. All the things packed into twenty one years of never feeling good enough, never feeling right enough, and loving people so much, believing in people too much, being so reckless, pushing myself so hard, not pushing hard enough, it adds up. It adds up and it hurts. It hurts to be given so much anger and never learn to be angry, to be yelled at and never learn to yell at people. I’m so scared of my own voice. I’m scared to sing and I’m scared to yell. And that’s a learned behavior too. And now. And now, I need to stop blaming myself and start learning to love the person I am all over again. I love my parents, and now, they tell me all the time.